Pain

My little ball of furry love left the world at around 3am on May 23rd...my heart is broken. This morning I woke up wishing that I would see the blankets move at the bottom of my feet and I would see her little head poke out of the covers to give me morning kisses.

I don't know how such a small life form can leave such a monumental void in my soul, but she has. I feel so empty now, like a big chunk of my heart was torn out by someone with big hands and sharp nails. I even feel more hollow physically like my body is concave now, it hurts to walk with good posture.

Maybe its the artist in me, or maybe this is normal, but the visuals I have are so vivid, almost like mirages. When I close my eyes, and sometimes when they are open even, I go back to watching her struggle on that vet table taking her lasts breaths. I feel myself petting her and telling her how much I loved her all over again. I see her eyes go void. This visual is what seems to haunt me the most. I saw the soul leave her, those expressive eyes just left open staring with nothing inside them. My Ruca wasn't there anymore and yet her body was still warm and I wanted to hold on to that as long as I could. When I finally began to let go of her I started to feel this warmth also begin to leave her body, and I swear something from my soul left with her that night...

If it is not that particular visual I see then it is visuals of happy times that make me sad in a different way. I see her running in the woods with me and then calling her and she looks back and runs towards me with a happy smile and jumps in my arms. The way I could get her to go crazy on the lawn and just run wild around me. The way she would want to climb into my hoodies to be warm and close to me. I am going to miss these moments so much.

When my day was hard, or I was sad, the one thing that always made me feel better was Ruca. Dogs, they don't judge you, and they don't love you on any contingencies...they just love you. If I was feeling the way I do today for another reason it would be Ruca I would go to for comfort. She would just cuddle next to me and in her way let me know everything is going to be ok. Humans just aren't as comforting.

The more you love the more you hurt
No words we spoke,
but no words were needed.
You were my heartbeat at my feet,
my simple love with no complications, or contingencies... it just was.
You never judged, or tried to change me, you just loved.
I hope you could feel my love there in the end,
and thank you for being there no matter how life chose to bend.
You were my best friend,
you were my baby,
you were a great dog.
I am sorry I couldn't protect you, know I tried.
I know you tried too.
I know you fought hard...and I am sorry you had to struggle.
I hope to see you someday when I leave this place,
I am counting on you running up to me once again and jumping into my arms.

Bye Ruca, (I hope there are a lot of squirells where you are at).