Pain

My little ball of furry love left the world at around 3am on May 23rd...my heart is broken. This morning I woke up wishing that I would see the blankets move at the bottom of my feet and I would see her little head poke out of the covers to give me morning kisses.

I don't know how such a small life form can leave such a monumental void in my soul, but she has. I feel so empty now, like a big chunk of my heart was torn out by someone with big hands and sharp nails. I even feel more hollow physically like my body is concave now, it hurts to walk with good posture.

Maybe its the artist in me, or maybe this is normal, but the visuals I have are so vivid, almost like mirages. When I close my eyes, and sometimes when they are open even, I go back to watching her struggle on that vet table taking her lasts breaths. I feel myself petting her and telling her how much I loved her all over again. I see her eyes go void. This visual is what seems to haunt me the most. I saw the soul leave her, those expressive eyes just left open staring with nothing inside them. My Ruca wasn't there anymore and yet her body was still warm and I wanted to hold on to that as long as I could. When I finally began to let go of her I started to feel this warmth also begin to leave her body, and I swear something from my soul left with her that night...

If it is not that particular visual I see then it is visuals of happy times that make me sad in a different way. I see her running in the woods with me and then calling her and she looks back and runs towards me with a happy smile and jumps in my arms. The way I could get her to go crazy on the lawn and just run wild around me. The way she would want to climb into my hoodies to be warm and close to me. I am going to miss these moments so much.

When my day was hard, or I was sad, the one thing that always made me feel better was Ruca. Dogs, they don't judge you, and they don't love you on any contingencies...they just love you. If I was feeling the way I do today for another reason it would be Ruca I would go to for comfort. She would just cuddle next to me and in her way let me know everything is going to be ok. Humans just aren't as comforting.

The more you love the more you hurt
No words we spoke,
but no words were needed.
You were my heartbeat at my feet,
my simple love with no complications, or contingencies... it just was.
You never judged, or tried to change me, you just loved.
I hope you could feel my love there in the end,
and thank you for being there no matter how life chose to bend.
You were my best friend,
you were my baby,
you were a great dog.
I am sorry I couldn't protect you, know I tried.
I know you tried too.
I know you fought hard...and I am sorry you had to struggle.
I hope to see you someday when I leave this place,
I am counting on you running up to me once again and jumping into my arms.

Bye Ruca, (I hope there are a lot of squirells where you are at).

Ruca on my mind

My little ruca dog has been with me through some hard times. She has made me feel better on my most saddest of days, and even though she may seem to be just a 9 pound ball of fur, she is honestly my best friend. Yesterday she got attacked by a goose and fled from me into the street where she got hit by a car. My world came crumblig down...my little friend now lies in the hospital fighting for her life. The thought of losing her hurts more than the thought of losing almost anyone or anything else in my life. It hurts to watch her in pain struggling, I want to make better, but I feel so helpless.

She went through surgery and has been recovering slowly. I pray that she pulls through and once again she will snuggle up with me on the couch, do her cute ruca love noises, and wag her tail and go crazy when I come home from work.

I love you Ruca and am thinking of you in every moment

Childhood toys all grown up

I am starting a series of paintings that take my favorite childhood toys and I bring them into adulthood. When I think of these toys I have very pure feelings of childhood bliss. A time when I was unaware of all the bad things that existed in the world. When I try hard I can get my brain to go back in time and remember what it felt like to be that care free and happy...but not for long. So here I have collided the two worlds: the innocent world of a child and the harsh reality of what world appears when you grow up.

Jim's Grand Children

finally complete

Ani DiFranco - You Had Time (Lost and Delirious)

I love this...

Yellow Traveler

www.ktpaintstudio.com



This is another painting to be added to my "Flow" series. While my portrait series seem to be more in demand, I most love doing these weird swirly paintings. I can not really explain why... but I will try. While painting a good portrait provides a sense of accomplishment (for portraits are a true testament of my patience as an artist), the flow series just pours out onto the canvas with ease. Portraits take tedious hours of observation, calmness in execution, and extreme attention to detail. While these traits are to be valued, and are ones I am constantly striving to become more masterful at, sometimes it is nice to relax and just melt with the paint. The flow series (unlike my other work) depicts the more hedonistic side of my art, the part that just spills out. There is no restraint, the lines just flow into one another with an easy rhythm. In fact in writing the word "rhythm" I wonder if this series has also been inspired by music? Because it is only with this series of paintings do I listen to my favorite songs. The use of feminine curves and organic circles provides a sense of harmony and peace like a melody. In the Flow series a more quiet emotion is expressed, a subtle comment on the a relationship between the paint, the world, and oneself in it. These I paint regardless of who else likes them.

Phil Nesmith

I am posting this artist because I want to remember his work. His images contain some of the most beautiful images I have ever seen. I think its the simplicity of his pictures mixed together with their trancperant qualities that I find so endearing. This combo captures the subtle delicacy of life.
http://www.ferrotypes.com/Artist.asp?ArtistID=11669&Akey=YA679CKP

http://philnesmith.wordpress.com/